Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you?

Have you ever been alone in a crowded room; well I'm here with you...

I have come to this conclusion: I find a combination of rich brown hair and pure blue eyes to be incredibly attractive. I don't know what it is about the contrast but I find that blue eyes stand out more when put up against brown hair opposed to blond. You know... in case it ever comes up as a point of contention...

Here's an interesting scenario I've been coming across lately in my English class. See, when you're a teacher, obviously you're going to have stronger students and weaker students in your class. And a lot of the time, it's easy to forget about your stronger students when you get caught up in making sure that your weaker students are understanding the material. Such is, I think, the case with my host teacher. From the very beginning of my practicum, she pointed out her "best student" to me and so far, it's certainly been an interesting case. See, this girl is, by all means, a great student. Very sharp, knows her stuff, strong opinions... basically similar to me except more stubborn. I think she's undergone a bit of head-turning throughout the year, which I suppose is natural when you're doing better than everyone else in your class. It's not that she's arrogant or anything; it's just that she's so used to being told that she's done great work with the exception of perhaps some minor points that I think she gets slightly frustrated when she comes up against me, which has been happening a lot lately because we're into summatives and my host teacher spends a lot of time with students who need extra help. And I think my host teacher's forgotten to push her because she's the best student in the class. Lately, I've been challenging her and for all her brainpower, she's still in grade 11. And this is Jon Wong we're talking about here. I can be pretty good at breaking down a debate with a 16 year old, regardless of how far ahead she is compared to the rest of her class.

See, part of your job as a teacher is to expand the minds of your students. And it's far easier to forget about your strong students than your weaker students because the stronger students always understand the basics. They never have any problems learning "the curriculum" and since we're always under this pressure to make sure all the kids in our class are prepared for their next year, it's natural to be more concerned about your students who *aren't* meeting curriculum standards. But man, don't forget about your stronger students. You *have* to make them think; you *have* to make their minds expand. Even the good students. Some of the other students think it's funny whenever I cross wits with this #1 kid. Cause it *is* interesting. I always find it intellectually stimulating to watch people of superior intelligence clash wits. And they're all like "Give it up Mr. Wong, you can't win against her". Yeah ok. The point is not to "win," the point is to broaden her mind and if I have to piss her off to do it, I'm ok with that. As long as *I* keep a level head. Still, I hope this girl is learning something. And she can take it. She's too strong of a chracter to be deflated by me.

I just had this horrific dream that I was dating someone I wasn't really attracted to. Even in a dream I could feel how stifling that is. Creepy...

People often say that it's not enough to just save a life and let it be. Lots of films explore this idea, Leon being the one that jumps to mind for me. There's a scene where Natalie Portman tells Leon, you saved me and because you saved me, you're responsible for what happens to me because if you're just going to save me and turn me out into the world, you might as well have just let me die. It's amazing how much baggage comes with saving lives. It really is. And sometimes, we forget that it's true on a metaphoric level too. If you make a decision to do something or act in a certain way that changes someone's life, you have a responsibility to follow up on the effect of your actions. It's weird in a kind of ironic way. Sometimes we do things that changes someone's life for the better or makes them see the world in a different way. And you would think that that "favor" is enough; that you've done something that's affected someone in a good way and that in and of itself justifies your actions. But we often forget that we're responsible for what comes of that change, even if it's good. It's easy to see it when it's the opposite. If we affect someone's life negatively; if we damage them in some way, it's easy to see how we'd be responsible for what comes after that. If I got a kid to start smoking, it's easy to see how I'm partly responsible if he develops lung cancer later. Sometimes though, it's harder to see that we're equally responsible for changing someone's life for the better. And people forget this so often and so easily.

Please people, try not to use the phrase "I feel nauseous". FYI, nauseous implies a cause. When you say "That is nauseous" it means that something is making you sick, i.e. *your* response would be "I feel nauseated". To say "I feel nauseous" means that you feel like you are causing others to feel sick. So unless you fall into a steaming pile of human entrails and/or Sam Robert's bath water and are trying to convey the effect you are giving off, you are "feeling nauseated".

With Grant in Hamilton and me basically not seeing Elaine these days, human contact away from Queen's has been scarce. Maybe that's the root of my problem.

Here is my regularly scheduled rant about how the ignorant masses fail to appreciate The Girl Next Door: anyone who reviews/gives a synopsis of this film and mentions anything about the film being "about a pornstar" loses my immediate respect/inclination to take anything they say seriously or consider their comments with merit. The Girl Next Door is about a *former* pornstar. And anyone with any taste or brains will be able to tell you that neglecting the word "former" is akin to neglecting the word "not" after writing "do" or "does" or "is". A pornstar is someone who works in the adult entertainment industry. A former pornstar is someone who used to work in the adult entertainment industry but for certain reasons, has decided to leave the profession. To shoot a film using one as a foundation would yield results completely different than shooting one using the other.

I think I might be bipolar. That would explain a lot of inconsistencies in my life.

I think I'm kidding myself. Seriously, I've realized that my life is just one big joke. 100%, one huge joke. That's the most depressing thing I've come up with in a long time. I can't believe I've survived so far on principles alone. Principles my ass! I can't even remember the last time I was truly happy. I can remember the last time I felt satisfied; I can remember the last time I felt like I accomplished something; I can remember the last time I felt ok with myself. But I can't, for the life of me, remember the last time I actually felt happy. Like the line from The History Boys: I haven't been happy but I haven't been unhappy about it. The only reason why I've not been unhappy about it is because I've lived my life on these principles for the last year. Based my life around the fact that in teaching, I've made a difference in people's lives; that I try my very best to be the very best; that as long as I'm considerate of other people's feelings; that as long as I let people know if they're appreciate; that as long as I'm compassionate, tolerant, and open-minded, the world will somehow spin itself into balanced harmony and that I will feel happy because of it. Or even if it doesn't spin itself into balanced harmony, I can at least feel happy because I did my part to make it a better place. But what am I? A Buddhist monk? The world on a grand scale doesn't mean an iota if on a personal level, my life is in shambles. And that's what it's in really. If I think about it, my life is a one godawful wreck. And you know what the funny thing is? There might be at most 3 people in this world who would believe me if I told them this. Everyone else would either disbelieve me, scoff it off, or say I'm just being negative. Negative?! When was the last time I subjected myself to negative feelings?! I don't feel this way because I enjoy feeling like crap. This, my friend, is being realistic. And the realistic truth of it all, of my entire life, is that I am a deeply unhappy human being whose apparently ordered life is in shambles around him. The only thing I'm really actually grateful for is a good family and a best friend. NOTHING else in my life means ANYTHING. I don't know how I can reiterate this in a clearer way. You could take everything else in my life away and I'd probably be just as "happy" as I am now. None of it means anything if you're alone. Not on a personal level anyway. It might mean something to the world around you but when the whole world stops, it just... fades away.

But what do I know?

"How good is Willy Loman at his job?"
"... not very?"
"Not very. Not very good at being a salesman?"
"Yeah"
"What about his other job?"
"What other job?"
"... what other job? ... what's the hardest; the most challenging job in our society?"
"...?"
"Being a parent" (as silence descends upon my class) "Right? Because how many hours do spend at a day job?"
"8 hours"
"And how often does your boss check up on you?"
"A few times a day"
"How many hours do you spend being a parent?"
"24/7"
"And how often do your kids scrutinize your every move?"
"... all the time...?"
"Right? So *don't* be too critical of Willy Loman as a father... just like I would encourage you not to be too critical of your own parents... cause it's a hard job... and they're human, just like you."

w00t! A moment!

I need to learn how to sing in harmony. This has irked me for years and I've never known how to go about doing it besides actually learning a harmony line on its own as if it were a melody and then putting it together with the melody. Really, what use is a singing ability if you can't sing harmony? You lose the ability to make interesting music.

My mother baked this sort of Singaporean cake-bread today, deemed it a failure, and promptly made a second one in an effort to see if she could improve on it. Again, a failure. She's in the final stages of making a third one as we speak. Sometimes, my parents do things I don't understand. I'll be eating this failed cake-bread thing for breakfast/after-school snack for the next weeks.

I just watched The Goonies again for the first time in... oh, let's say 9 or 10 years. I think. It used to be a childhood favorite. It's funny the things you notice in a film when you're older that you didn't see before. Somehow, I ended up noting the number of times Kerri Green accidentally flashed her panties during the film, which incidentally, happens 4 times in case it ever comes up as a trivia question. The things I notice sometimes... but honestly now, I can't be the only one who's noticed this. It's not that obvious but it's not really that obscure either.